The genetics were set for Tyler's PA & TNA when this picture was taken at just a few hours after his birth.**********
{If you missed the first two parts in this series on coping with a new life-threatening food allergy, click here and here.}
When I began researching food allergies when Tyler was diagnosed a little over 3 years ago, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. The more I read, the more I saw there was a very possible link to what a mother eats while pregnant and nursing and what their child was allergic.
Suddenly the many sleepless nights I had off and on during my pregnancy with him that I consoled myself with peanut butter toast came flooding back to me. The peanut butter and crackers I ate when I was a new nursing mom seemed almost sinful.
So, I did what most moms do, I felt totally responsible for his health problems.
I know I am not alone in this feeling. I have heard from many moms that echo my feelings. I've written about this before so they knew they found a kindred spirit.
I knew I ate pecans and probably even almonds during my pregnancy. But, I NEVER ate cashews. I can't stand the taste of them. I have never even bought them.
As I sat stunned in the allergist's office last week, I told the doctor that I never ate cashews. How could Tyler be allergic? (Umm...needless to say Tyler has never eaten them either!)
The allergist told me that all it took was a trace in his system to cause the allergy. It could have been somewhere in public. A family member's home. Or somewhere I would never think of. Who knows how it was introduced?
In fact, the doctor told me he has seen children that are diagnosed with a peanut allergy that their mothers also never ate or had peanuts in the house. Yet, a trace entered their system that caused an allergy to develop. It came from somewhere but not necessarily from mom.
Once the initial shock wore off from our new diagnosis, I actually felt such a sense of guilt lifting off my shoulders. Since February 2006 I have blamed myself for his allergy.
But it just may not be my fault after all! So, in a weird way, this last week has been somewhat liberating for me.
If you have emailed me or ever felt guilt for your child's peanut allergy DO NOT! Its genetics. Don't waste any more emotional energy on that. Its not worth it and you are not to blame. It was in the genetics for your PA kid. Nothing less, nothing more.
OK, now, 'fess up. Who else reading this has fallen victim to this guilt I have carried around for way, way too long?
14 comments:
Yes, in the beginning, I too had felt the mommy guilt of how I may have caused my daughter's (6 yr old) allergy. Not only because of eating peanut butter, cashews and pistachios while pregnant, but also because of "keeping our house too clean". However, if 'the experts' can't even agree on what causes allergies, I'm not going take the blame. I truly believe that it is genetic and uncontrollable. She was going to have allergies no matter what. That's also how I keep myself from blaming her daycare for giving her peanut butter when she was 10 months old.
Nice Blog, I'll check in from time to time.
Nancy
We found out last month that my two year old daughter has a Peanut and Soy allergy. For the past few weeks I've been feeling precisely this way. Thanks for posting this. It's made me feel better.
Me! I've felt that guilt! I haven't in a while, but at the beginning it was quite bad.
I had never eaten a peanut in my life! I hate peanuts and any tree nut! And guess what? my son is 2 years old and has a sever peanut allergy!!! So don't feel guilt because you ate peanut, I at one point was feeling guilt because I didn't eat!
I used to eat gobs and gobs of peanut butter by the spoon when I was pregnant with my son...it's one of the only things I could keep down.... :-(
K in NC
My son was diagnosed 2 yrs. ago as he turned 3 yrs. old and I have felt this way, too! I ate PB on a regular basis while pregnant as it settled my stomach. I had tears reading this post and the previous posts of new allergies being discovered! Thank you for sharing!
Dana
Thank you!
Honestly, it never occurred to me to feel guilty - and I usually feel guilty about everything (too many years of Catholic school)!
I may have eaten peanuts in some form during my pregnancy and breastfeeding, but not often at all. Also, I have fraternal twin boys - one is PA, the other not. They were obviously exposed to the same foods in utero and through breast milk. I think that alone totally supports the argument for genetic predisposition.
I have a 5 year old daughter (no allergies) and a 3 year old son (allergic to peanuts, soy, eggs and cow milk). I found out about Nick’s allergies when he was 15 months old…gosh our lives have completely changed. I always blamed myself - I ate peanut butter toast just about everyday while pregnant with him.
I love your blog. Thanks for sharing.
Barb in SD
Someone close to me is always quick to point to a study suggesting that formula is one possible reason for the increase in peanut allergies. I successfully nursed 2 of my children but not the first 2. Anyway, that always makes me feel guilty.
Thanks for this post!
Mine wasn't so much of what I ate during pregnancy, but what I ate while nursing. I ate peanut butter toast all the time, and could never figure out why her eczema would not go away.
My other real hang up is what did I do different with my PA kid, compared to the other three kids I have? Was it something at her birth? Was it a different drug that I had during the c-section? did I take an antibiotic when I was pregnant with her that tipped the scale? It's hard for me to just let go and believe it's all genetics. I'm a problem solver at heart, so wanting to prevent this from ever happening with any future children is at the forefront of my mind.
The obvious conclusion for me is to pray. I'm so thankful we live in a day and age where there are remedies to an allergic reaction, and the only outcome is not death.
I have felt this guilt, too. Although I carefully avoided nuts with my second (while pregnant, nursing) he seems like he might be headed down the same path. . . I know that what I eat or did not eat might be one small factor, but no one knows for sure why this is happening to so many more children these days.
I found your wonderful blog recently and have a 10 year old son with Peanut/tree nut allergies. I think that we've all had some mommy guilt and while I would love to blame it all on genetics we really don't know that for sure. I believe that there are other factors at play and that environmental toxins of sorts play into this rise in allergies. Allergies are immune based and there are many things that can stress the immune system in those early years. We are giving our children many vaccines, full of toxins and preservatives, at earlier ages and this impacts the immune system. I believe that more research needs to be done, not blame ourselves or blame it all on genetics.
I just found your site today and have been struggling w/the same thing. Although I don't like nuts and didn't eat them in pregnancy, my mom-in-law and DH have peanut/nut allergies. I keep thinking that I should've expected my son to have them too and that it's my fault for bringing him into the world knowing his genetic makeup. I guess I thought God would protect us and not give DS allergies. We found out 1 month ago that DS has peanut allergies and now has to struggle with this all his life. I formula fed but delayed vaxes so I don't "why" he has it ... he just does and it's hard not not feel guilty or place blame.
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