{If you missed my post yesterday on Tyler's newest diagnosis of tree nut allergy, click here.}When Tyler was first diagnosed with his peanut allergy at 13 months, I was very newly pregnant with Dylan and I took the news very hard. I think part of the problem was the I googled "peanut allergy" and quickly discovered it is the most deadly food allergy. Nothing prepares you for news like that.
I have told myself in the last 3 years since we discovered PA that a tree nut allergy was a very real possibility but I hoped and prayed we just had PA. I was scared I would take the news with any new allergies with tears and grieving.
When I noticed the big reaction emerging on his back, I tried to tell myself maybe it was one of the environmental things the allergist was testing for. But I have learned enough about food allergies in the last 3 years to know what a life-threatening reaction looks like. Deep down I knew it was not good.
When the diagnosis was confirmed I felt a little numb. I knew I needed to be strong in front of Tyler. Tyler is a perceptive kid. As I kept looking at his back, he said, "Are you sad Mommy?"
I told him I was sad but everything would be fine. Because it truly will. The last 3 years have taught me Tyler can inspire strength in me when dealing with his food allergies that I never knew I had. This time proved that fact.
I'm an emotional girl. I'm a crier. So as I drove home right after the diagnosis I wasn't sure how to feel. I had to remind myself that not much would change in our home. Not much would change with what he ate.
The biggest disappointment was the fact I have a lot of faith in the possibility that is coming for the peanut desensitization treatment. While I would still do it in a heartbeat, we will still need to be ultra vigilant with other nuts.
The morning after the diagnosis I woke up a little before 5am with the new diagnosis on my mind. I realized that I am so much stronger about this stuff than I ever dreamed. The biggest help is realizing I must accept it and not allow my mind to dwell on it too much.
No tears this time. No anger. No imagining what it would like to not have this diagnosis. Just acceptance and realizing this is part of my child. If I love all of him, I must be strong and accept him, even with a few genetic flaws. Plus, it could be much, much worse. (Ever seen a child go through chemo?)
In the end, this diagnosis has made me much, much stronger. It has also relieved a lot of the "Mommy guilt" that goes along with having a child with life-threatening food allergies. I'll be back tomorrow to discuss that...
3 comments:
You have my sincere sympathies. When my daughter failed her most recent food challenge -- and instantly jumped from 8 food allergies to 12 -- I burst into tears in the doctor's office. She was *so nearly* there before the reaction set in that I'd got my hopes up. The let down is awful.
A friend recommended I read this sermon (http://fatherdylanjames.blogspot.com/2009/02/8th-february-2009-5th-sunday-in.html)and it really helped. One thing it made me do was think of what I'm dealing with in terms of struggling or suffering. I definitely struggle with my daughter's allergies and related health condition, but I am not suffering (and for that I thank God). Suffering has hopeless to it, whereas struggling is a process... a process of overcoming. I am working to overcome the emotional and practical difficulties that we face, and I believe we will get there, though it is not easy -- and is often very dark -- along the way.
Ok, now your post just left me in tears ... I think God sent me here to read your posts today to show me that other people have been where I'm at now and have survived.
Hi, thank you so much for everything you do on your website. You are the best wealth of information I have come across and so much of your thinking mimics my own. I wanted to tell you that as a biologist I believe that if peanut sensitization works as a method to cure peanut allergies (such as being done at Duke University), I really have hope that other food desensitization will follow more quickly (such as tree nuts). It's the first groundbreaking work that takes the most time. I could see a child with peanut and tree nuts being desensitized together at some point (specially since they both commonly run togther). Thanks again for all you do and lets all keep our fingers crossed. Take care, Denise
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